So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
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She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm at about main and main street
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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