I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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