i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
