when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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