he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
