; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
