life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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