Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him