My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life