Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
