you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
