I wanna passion pit in your ass
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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