thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
