time to smoke my breakfast
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
