Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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