This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
