This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
