I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
