I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
