dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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