How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
