I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
