Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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