If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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