My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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