This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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