Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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