we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
