I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize