Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
