I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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