I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
