I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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