he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
