Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
