soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
