i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
