I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
