I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
