Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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