I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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