Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
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It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
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On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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