Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
