I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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