I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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