I smell stomach acid.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
