So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
