He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
