Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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