What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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