I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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