Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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