I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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