okay pat passed out under dana's car
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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